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Category Archives: Ask Joel
Ask Joel: 007
This week’s installment is of a significantly lighter fare. Joel confronts the James Bond movie franchise, and whether or not one can get more baddass than 007 himself.
Q: Who was the best actor to ever play James Bond? Has there ever been a more bad ass, cool ass character real or fictitious than James Bond as portrayed by your choice?
The first part of this is a trick question. The best James Bond is Sir Thomas Sean Connery. However, it’s become clear that he wasn’t acting at all. The old Scot is just that much of a general all-around badass. Seriously, he was voted “sexiest man alive” when he was 59 years old. No further debate will be entertained concerning this subject.
The best actor to imitate the role of 007 has been Daniel Craig. I fully understand that he’s the wrong nationality, too short, can’t cop the accent, holds a pistol wrong, has no sense of grace or culture, has blond fucking hair for crying out loud, doesn’t blow enough things up, allows his clothing to stay wrinkled, points his toes too far outward, seems unable to drive a stickshift Aston Martin, and is probably gay, but c’mon. The most recent pair of films are so full of awesome, and I can’t wait for the next one to debut. I say all of this because Craig’s brought something gritty to the role that helps explain the idiosyncracies of the character as portrayed by earlier actors. In other words, by treating the role the way he has. he’s made Roger Moore into a better and more believable James Bond. No comment on the two blokes who came before Mr. Craig. Same for George Lazenby, who was an unfortunate victim of movie studio politics and did the best he could with a piss-poor screenplay.
“The name is Bond. James Bond.”
Another neat character development in the recent films has been that Bond (as portrayed by Craig) has shown that M is a vulnerable person rather than a brick wall representing the Monarchy. This ties in well with how 007 is handled by HMSS in the older films in which it seemed that he was turned loose without govenmental oversight — a “blunt instrument” indeed.
To address the second part of your question, here are some fellows (and a gal or two) that fit the bill — in no particular order:
-Han Solo
-Chewbacca (duh)
-John Bonham
-80% of the Churchill clan
-The Bandit, as portrayed by Burt Reynolds
-General Chuck Yeager, ret. USAF
-Edward Van Halen, 1977-1982
-Lyn St. James
-Inigo Montoya
-John Fry
-Jonn Coltrane
-George Brett
-Queen Victoria of England, Scotland, Wales, etc… 1837-1901
-Uncle Jesse
-Drizzt Do’Urden
-my own mother
-Mario Andretti
-Robert Johnson
-Isaac Newton
Ask Joel: Guns & Ammo Edition!
Now that celebrity blogger Joel Gradinger has returned from vacation, the third installment of Ask Joel is here! This week we picked a question from a worried (paranoid) fellow concerning inevitable global meltdown and how to survive it. You may want to sit down.
Q: Hi Joel! How’s it hangin? I am starting to stockpile ammo for the up-coming global meltdown and I need to know what types I should buy. I have a 12 gauge shotgun, and I want ammunition for hunting various fowl and critter, as well as home defense. What do you suggest?
Ballistically,
Home Army Soldier of One
Dear Doomsday Ass Pirate,
I’d hate to startle any of my more tender-minded readers, so I’m going to ignore your first question. Most impertinent of you to ask, don’t you think?
If “global meltdown” is your concern, chuck the shotgun at the nearest pawn shop (you’ll need your brother’s photo ID for this) and get a couple good rifles — one scoped deer rifle for eliminating feds invading forces at long distances, and at least one evil-looking assult rifle for close range killin’. Also get yourself a well-made sidearm of at least .40 caliber. When choosing said pistol, insist that it be made of actual metal, and that it’s origin is either American or Italian. It’s probably best to procure this item from a dubious source — immediately file off the serial number. Keep the fucker loaded with copper-jacketed hollow point subsonic rounds, and keep it concealed on your person at all times.
Actual home defense is a different proposition altogether. For this task, a 12 gauge pump-action shotgun is a wise choice indeed. Saw the barrel to the minimum legal length (18″ barrel, 26″ overall), mount the brightest flashlight you can afford to it, and cram it full of #00 buckshot. Should you ever need it, fire it more than once and let the dental records sort out the rest. Your insurance should cover the drywall and paint, and will even hire a carpet cleaner for you. Keep a few one-ounce slugs handy as well, just in case you find a need to shoot down any low-flying aircraft or want to really ruin the kneecap of some little bitch who needs to be taught a stern lesson.
Artist’s rendering of Home Army Soldier Of One
As useful as the big 12ga might be for inflicting massive trauma at close range, it’s a pretty poor choice for sporting purposes. A long-barreled 20 gauge with #4 birdshot will leave more of Tweety or Daffy to be roasted for dinner at some later date, and won’t demolish the shooter’s shoulder. For domestic pest control at home, nothing beats a good .22cal pellet rifle of English or German manufacture. Rather than going “BOOM”, they make an indistinct little cracking noise. With luck, you won’t be needing the rest of your arsenal when the local constables make themselves pesky by investigating all the “shots fired” calls from your remaining neighbors.
When you’re ready to purchase ammo, don’t even try to save money. Only consider US-made projectiles from a recognized maker. The best idea is to try a variety of brands and loads to find out what works best for you. Don’t shoot your eye out!
Disclaimer: If you do manage to shoot your eye out, or any number of shit-for-brained illegal things besides, it’s absolutely not my fucking problem. The above information is intended to be used for entertainment purposes only — specifically, my own entertainment at seeing your dumb hick ass in the back of a squad car with nine or fewer toes and a new pair of pretty chrome bracelets. That’s less than you’d deserve for asking about the combined effects of gravity, clothing, and bloodflow on my member. Fucking perv!
Ask Joel #2!
Q: “What’s your BBQ sauce recipe?”
A: My favorite bbq sauce is whichever one I’m eating at a given time. I don’t think I’ve ever made the same sauce twice, which is the best part about making your own. I’m going to make a shrewd assumption that you’re interested in eating some pork, rather than some soy-based crap, so I’ll share one that is clearly not vegan-friendly. This is an easy recipe, in that there’s nothing to dice up, strain, blend, etc…
Combine the following in a saucepan, bring to a boil, lower heat and simmer until reduced to desired thickness, stirring and tasting frequently:
1 cup beef stock
16oz tomato sauce
1/2c dark brown sugar, packed
1/2c white vinegar
1/4c Worcestershire sauce
juice of two or three habenero peppers
juice of a lemon wedge
2 Tbsp good whole grain mustard
2 Tbsp apricot or peach preserves
1 Tbsp bacon grease
1 Tbsp ground cayenne pepper
1 Tbsp garlic powder
1 Tbsp onion powder
2 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground ginger
black pepper to taste
To make good beef stock without monkeying around with bones and roasting pans, throw a 3lb bone-in beef roast in a dutch oven or crock pot with half a head of garlic (whole cloves, crushed, skin on), two fat yellow onions sliced into rings, and a few stalks of coarsely chopped celery. Cook on low until fork tender. Reserve the juice, cool, and skim the fat. Now you have something to munch on while your ribs are smoking. You are smoking them, right? No ovens allowed.
Q: “How do I pick up more chicks next time I’m at the Hi Tone?”
A: Seriously, couldn’t you find someone better to ask? Having been firmly entrapped by matrimony, I haven’t picked up any chicks in a solid fifteen years. Before that, they were mostly fighting over me, which made things somewhat easy. I just picked the ones that didn’t seem to bruise easily and weren’t shagging my bandmates.
I’m guessing you’re pretty desparate for some ass, and likely have no idea how to talk to women. The place to start is to shut your pie-hole before anything else douchey spills out, and let the ladies do the talking. Stop looking at their tits and toenails, and make some eye contact now and again. Once you find some common ground or a shared interest, ask questions that are direct and simple to keep them talking. If you can make them laugh, even better. All chicks ever want to do is fucking talk talk talk about totally inane shit. You’ll have to appease them in this if you want to get anywhere. In all honesty, you should probably pay your tab and go the Gold Club while you still have a few bucks left.
Ask Joel #1
In our first installment, Joel addresses the finer aspects of Italian cuisine, Heineken’s lack of free swag, Kramer Guitars, and BF/GF/TF’s checking your text messages…
Q: What is your favorite pizza?
That’s a really complicated question. A few minutes ago, it was my friend Lexi’s homemade tomato sauce spooned onto crackers and topped with slices of romano and parmesan and Heineken. During business hours, the winner is Hi-Tone pie with sausage and garlic. They fucking deliver now, you know. How rad is that? If I had a spare day and a fast enough car, it would be a large “Papa Minsky’s” from a place predictably called Minsky’s in KCMO.
Q: Do you like stratocaster with noiseless pick ups.
A: Where do I start? Is it a question? Did google auto-translate it from MSVL*? Is it perhaps something to eat? I’d like one with a cold Dutch beer, and thank you!
What? A guitar?? Now I get it. No, I don’t like it. The noiseless pickups are indeed noiseless, but they don’t sound very much like good strat** pickups. Think about it: two of the five pickup combinations should be free of hum. The middle position sounds like audible feces. The reamaning two are poor imitations of a telecaster. What was the problem again?
In reality, if the strat buzzes too much for your tastes, you should probably play a bitchin’ Kramer, like this one:
That mean sumbitch won’t buzz at all, and will also get you laid. Since you don’t have the stones to actually play an axe like that, try the following instead.
– Check the circuitry. Are the strings grounded via the bridge? This is the one really crucial thing. Oh, you don’t have a multimeter? That’s fine. Take the 9v battery out of your reverb pedal and hold it to the tremolo springs. Now lick the strings. Was that fun? The previously described excersize doesn’t work, but it’s funny to think about you trying it. It will actually heat the battery to the point at which it will likely catch fire. Don’t try that at all, on second thought.
– You could go to the hassle of shielding everything with foil and star-grounding the circuit, but single-coil pickups will still hum at 60 cycles/second despite your efforts.
– Get away from flourescent lamps and electric motors (like the fan you use on stage to blow your hair around). Ditch the wall warts for your battleship-sized pedalboard and buy some fresh 9v batteries (don’t re-use the one you fried with the arc-welding experiment earlier). Spin in a circle and/or walk around — you should be able to find a position at which the noise is least bothersome. Take your iphone out of your pocket and set it on your amp. Wait, that sounds even worse now. It fucking clicks through the speaker every six seconds. Give it to your gf/bf/tf, who checks all your texts when you aren’t looking anyway.
– Turn your amp up. If you’re just dying from that tiny amount of hum, you aren’t deaf enough yet.
* Martian Standard Verbal Lexography, rev. 5.2.3
** “Strat” is a registered trademark of Fender Musical Instruments, Inc. They’re basically evil, and I have no connection with them whatsoever. “Telecaster” is also a registered trademark, but the people have claimed it as their own. The term “Heineken” is used freely. Those greedy bastards could at least send me a T-shirt or a stupid visor now and then.
photo courtesy of vintagekramer.com
Check back next week for more “Ask Joel”. If you have a question of your own, email it to askjoel@betterthanjail.com
Ask Joel!
Do you have a pressing question concerning live performance ettiquette? Do you need tips about repairing a faulty instrument? Does your BBQ sauce need an extra kick? Could you use a good joke? What about James Bond trivia? Questions about cars? Relationship advice? Worried about life in general? Dont walk around clueless, just Ask Joel! Send an email to askjoel@betterthanjail.com! We’ll post up the questions with Joel’s wise(ass) answers every week.