Alot has been said about John Paul Keith over the last few years, but despite his popularity there are still a few tales untold…

It all begin in the dead of Fourth Winter, along the coast of Cartoolga near the outer banks of the Rivenforge. An infant’s deafening scream tore across the calm, cold night. This blood-curdling howl, the townspeople recall, was a dark omen. This cry signaled the first day of a dark, war-riddled decade. One that came to be now known as the Age of Darkness. It was then that demons seeped through the cracks of the Earth seeking revenge on those who had entombed them.

Dark Warriors ran rampant through the lands destroying whole cities and taking no prisoners. Gone were the farming towns of Ruteledge, Granthon, and Froöngstolth. Gone was the shipping mecca of Shipping Mecca. Gone was the Capital City of Wrnnnngh (The most populated city in all the land, Wrnnnngh was founded by four friendly sea lions under an incantation by the Lord of Sea and Air. Wrnnnngh’s name cannot be pronounced by the human tongue).

With no army left to fight the Dark Warriors, all hope had been lost. Evil had won.

Or so they thought! There, deep in the rocky crevasse of Nayshevull, an irrelevant and long forgotten mountain town, a worthy knight stood. He was J.P. The Keith of Raggentrod, eldest brother to Fish & Chips Keith, heir to the Telecastrian Royal Throne, and apprentice of the great swordsman Sir Haggardberry.

Armed with his enchanted axe (forged from a strange metal known as Maple by the High Priest of Fendra), J.P. The Keith of Raggentrod bravely marched to the Evil Capitol of Momphus. With nary a helping hand he stormed the walls and slashed his way to the Evil King’s castle, single-handedly killing over four million Dark Warriors. Whence-upon he reached the King’s throne, he decreed:

“Today, your reign shall end.”

“And how do you expect this to be achieved,” the Evil King inquired with a hearty chuckle.

“I am J.P. The Keith of Raggentrod. I may not read or write so well, but I can sling this axe like ringing a bell!”

With this statement he swung his enchanted axe! Forever slain was the Evil King.

Ye Olde Age of Darkness faded into a bedtime tale, reserved to frighten naughty children.

J.P. The Keith & His 145′s perform tonight at the Hi-Tone with the Stars of Micey! 8pm, $10!